Family Cycles
3 Reasons Why We Unintentionally Repeat Our Family Cycles:
Sitting in my office, I often hear people discuss their relationship problems, fears of failure, and families while struggling to connect the dots of why they might be stuck in cycles or relationships that don't serve them. Often, we have to work to notice the patterns we are replicating from childhood because they have been normalized to us. So why do we continue to carry over things we didn't appreciate from our childhood or family traits that don't help us? Why do we continually find ourselves in the same type of relationships or in the same types of unique environments?
Here are 3 reasons why we might get stuck in our family pattern.
1. Genetics- We are made of DNA from our biological parents and their parents before them. We don't just inherit eye color or height. We can also inherit behavioral traits and urges that our parents exhibited or learned. Anne-Marie Gambelin, in her article, This Is Why You Act Like Your Parents states, "Chemical switches, called epigenetic tags, are attached to your DNA and turn on or off aspects of your genes, depending on events in your environment." This means we could inherit or carry on traits our parents learned from their environments and the same for our children. Studies on epigenetics reveal that by adapting to changing physical, emotional, and behavioral conditions experienced by our biological parents, genes that are activated, "turned on," and then passed on to us are trying to prepare us for the environments we are born into. This can all seem heavy, considering we get genes from both mom and dad. As adults, we might be trying to weed through the behavioral presentations that work for us versus the ones that don't. Sometimes, we can struggle to shift our behavioral and emotional expression when our circumstances alter because our genes did such an excellent job of preparing us for the environment we came from.
2. Attachment- Most of us have heard of attachment theory concerning adult romantic relationships. Still, only some know the foundation of attachment theory is rooted in early childhood and our relationships with our primary parental figures. The interactions and messages we receive from our primary caregivers set the stage for how we interpret and sense the world. The four types of attachment styles are secure attachment, also known as "the one we all want to be, "and the other three types fall under the category called insecure attachment, which are avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant. How do we develop an attachment style? The short answer is how our parents respond to us in infancy- the first few years of life. We know that if a mom struggles with depression, she may be less likely to smile at baby or take baby out to explore the world. Did mom and dad respond well to us, ignore us, invalidate us, or overreact to us? We don't always replicate our parents' attachment style, but we do react and respond to their attachment style, which plays a role in creating our own. How does attachment play a role in our adult lives? Our early relationship with our parents becomes a subconscious map and guide for our adult attraction. This means that we might choose mates with characteristics similar to our parents and, therefore, recreate similar stories and experiences in adulthood.
3. Family Rules: We grow up observing and responding to our family interactions. Whether we agree with the information we receive or not, we all experience a set of cover and overt messages about love, work, friendship, and the general world. As children, we internalize the messages and rules we learn from our parent's modeling and begin forming personal relationships with the external world. While explicit messages or rules are easier to spot, making them easier to replicate or reject, covert or subtle messages tend to be sneakier and more challenging to catch. The family messages we feel connected to might be used as a guide. The more subtle messages might cause us to disconnect from our true selves. We tend to replicate, react, or recreate family-of-origin patterns in times of stress or discomfort that trigger intense thoughts or feelings, whether or not these thoughts reflect our authentic selves. Sadly, our brains are wired to pick up on negatives more than positives, whether our families of origin tried their best or not.
In conclusion, the goal is not to blame or get "stuck" by repeating messages, patterns, and choices. The goal is to become aware and be able to choose the direction we want to go in freely, not tangled in reliving or recreating old environments that no longer serve us in adulthood or raising our own families.
